[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
i think both sides are to blame here
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table