@sammyrhodes: I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700?s because guys kept checking their treasure maps.
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@StoferComic: My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn't know the song "Get Off the Stage or Die." Elvis, maybe?
@BlindChow: GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet! WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates GOD: um ok *dinos die, man appears* GOD: wtf
@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
@omgthatspunny: The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.