@TylerLinkin: I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
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@LeBearGirdle: *speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
@JoeBerkowitz: I'd watch Pimp My Ride: One Year Later, a show about people coming to terms with maintaining a fish tank and waffle-maker in a Ford Fiesta.
@Fickle_Filly: Lies I tell at work: ~ I'm sorry I said that ~ I didn't mean to offend you ~ It won't happen again ~ Of course I don't think you're an idiot
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.