Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.