@friedmanjon: I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.
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@kumailn: 7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them. 8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.
@drewjanda: It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
@LivibelsDada: Anyone who says having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had two mars bars fall out of a vending machine at once.
@jbillinson: Obama: Tell Joe why he can't booby trap the White H- Biden: Now hold on a second, just know that no matter what you say I'm doing it anyways