I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?