@friedmanjon: I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.
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@TheHyyyype: [about to go in for emergency surgery] ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
@jobless4eyes: Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning.
@DanMentos: *rings bell* "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- *starts pooping on a crucifix* WTF? *checks sign on door* "Taboo Artist"
@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.