I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
You Might Also Like
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
BaD BoY!!
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
secret recipe
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…