I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
You Might Also Like
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.