I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
You Might Also Like
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
it’s finally my moment to shine
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.