I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
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Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I’m listening
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I am a gravy boat captain
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.