I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
some Old Testament wisdom
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.