I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
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If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
We cut our bangs at dawn.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.