I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
drew a comic about my origin story
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.