Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
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[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.