I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Sorry not sorry.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.