Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
💯😂
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.