I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
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Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
#FunnyLife Insects
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.