“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!