I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
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(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers