I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
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My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
😂 amazing answer
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.