Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Ummm
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.