I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
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When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad