I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)