In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”