I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.