I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Tremendous stuff
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men