I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
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Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Haha! 😂