I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.