I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
channeling her this year
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Meow
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.