I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
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Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Google assistant rules
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open