@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids? Me: When are you going to stop?
@bobsin: If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she's practising for her next selfie
@PorkUrPine: WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can't you do that ME: I'd love to but I don't know her well enough