I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
X-tra spooky blend
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out