@LauraBenanti: I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I'm hiding in the bathroom.
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@jwoodham: As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If I got arrested I'd ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
@GuyThe_Guy: This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.