@myonlymizztake: I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."
@StellaGMaddox: I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
@nbadag: THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uh—failure
@RegularFred: Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn't a single werewolf left in the world. Werewolf: there isn't. I'm married.