I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
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You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk