I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You Might Also Like
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
*skinny dips into black hole
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
This guy’s not having it 😆
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.