I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.