Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
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Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?