I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You Might Also Like
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’M CRYINGGG
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Beware…..
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.