I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
🙋♀️
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Bike for sale
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
*serious situation*
My brain:
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?