I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Can. I. Help. You.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Okay
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.