@1followernodad: I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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@realHamOnWry: Cat: What are you doing? Me: Reloading my bong Cat: You really need it? Me: I know my limits, why? Cat: You know cats can't talk, right?
@TheFraudMallu: My grandmother reads obituary column in the newspaper everyday. It is pretty much like searching for your childhood friends on Facebook.
@ch000ch: God: have u gathered 2 of every animal? Noah: yes God: including the dinosaurs? CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR Noah: ....ya
@KeetPotato: [ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"