I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
shit just got real
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
nature’s most graceful animal
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
me hooking up with my ex