I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me if I was a dog
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.