@chimneyspotter: I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as "when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink"
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@frogbunnie: 6:There's a monster under my bed Me:That's silly! There's no such thi..OH GOD IT'S EATING MY ARM 6:SCREAMS ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
@QueefTornado: Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
@sixfootcandy: [blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!