I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
💁🏻♂️
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.