I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.