I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Yoga Matt
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.