I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Breaking news:
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”