I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Never forget.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows