@joebirbigs: I would have got the Google Glass but I don't have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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@TheToddWilliams: [job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That’s pr--*thump*
@QwertyJones3: If you're in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
@djdarrellripley: Him: You're a DJ? I'm not one for dancing. I've got this leg, you see? I've had it since the war. Me: How long have you had the other one?