I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…