[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
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My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.