Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
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Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries