I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
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“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?