If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount