I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Breaking news:
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.