I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
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What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
*aggressively waits in line*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*