@pakalupapito: i would lose weight but i hate losing
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@TEXASVETERAN: All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don't get into relationships.
@theshamingofjay: Cop: did you do it? Me: no Cop: you know it's truthful Tuesday right? Me: it's actually Wednesday Cop: damn it, who's your crush then
@rickolantern: I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.
@TheToddWilliams: [Emergency Room] MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy